Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Go girl power!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed