So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
The booster protects against what, now?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless