I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.