[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.