All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Mhm.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.