By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.