Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.