“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
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Oops I deleted….
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*