[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?