I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?