[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.


Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…


Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.


I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”


I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”


I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”


How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.


I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.


Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?