[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment![]()
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Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me