They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
#oldknees
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,