If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
plums roundup
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
So we got a goldfish…
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting