therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You Might Also Like
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.