I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…