Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Air conditioning – not a fan
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
classic mixup
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
They’re really bad with fonts.