Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”