In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
![]()
![]()
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”