I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
War & Peace
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.