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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music