Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
You Might Also Like
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?