My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?