My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure