Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!