This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real