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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.