The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
men, we mow at sunrise.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.