Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.