the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Finally, an instrument I can play!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later