Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?