Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
You Might Also Like
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.