Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
In space, no one can hear…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”