Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
What if all the cashiers are married?
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Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!