the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax