Does this dress make me look cat?
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.