Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
WTF IS THAT!
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
pizza
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*