When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room