a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.