Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Muppet Screams
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.