[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: