Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
You Might Also Like
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake