Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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January has been Januweary
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Krampus.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable