BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Xylophonist Shredding It
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Aaaa…CHOO!
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter