My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret