[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
technically true but not a great slogan
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
shut up and take my money
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me