Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
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What an awful time to have common sense.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
bout dat hot dog summer
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single