Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
eggs benadryl
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.