Admin smashed it 😂
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
You look like you would fail a DNA test
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?