[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]