This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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next level snooze
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan