Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse