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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…